How to (hopefully successfully) tell your partner you are CD / TG / TS

Various useful resources that have been recommended by Seahorse members.
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Kate
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How to (hopefully successfully) tell your partner you are CD / TG / TS

Postby Kate » September 24th, 2015, 5:12 pm

The question of "how do I tell my partner?" is easily one of the most frequent and difficult questions asked by any one who finds their gender is essentially non conventional. And most frequently this issue arises for MTF, despite the fact that there are most likely an equal number of FTM gender identifying individuals of varying levels out there. Most FTM tend to identify concerns a lot earlier (average age of transition for FTM TS is well below 25yrs old whilst for MTF TS it is still up around 35-45yrs old) and there is no doubt that society tolerates a lot more gender blurring per se from FTM than MTF. Personally I also suspect that FTM just tend to suck it up a lot more than us MTF princesses and they frock up when they have to.

Anyway, leaving all that aside lets get on to the big question, How do I tell my Partner??

I am going to assume that you WISH to tell your partner. I will address in another post why I believe that it is a partners right to know if you have transgendered feelings (including CD) but here I am assuming you've already made the choice that, yes I do want to tell my partner.

Firstly, everyone and everyones experience is different. Just because this or that went really well for someone doesn't mean it applies to you. BUT having read MANY MANY views from TG's and in particular partners, there are some pretty good golden rules.

The DONT's:
1. DONT come out fully dressed. This will make the entire conversation insanely awkward and is likely to send your partner screaming to the bedroom locking the door behind them. To talk about this you need MINIMUM distractions, sitting around in a skirt or nightie is just going to add to the tension.
2. DONT leave stuff around "hoping he/she will get the hint / guess". Of course they won't. They will then just have a minefield of possible scenarios going on in their head none of which is going to be helpful (e.g. maybe he's having an affair) all of which will seem much more plausible though no more desirable than the idea that you have transgendered feelings that you will then have to assure your partner are NOT the case.
3. DONT LIE OR HIDE ANYTHING!! IF you are going to tell your partner you must tell them EVERYTHING to the best of your understanding. If you deliberately try and drip feed information to your partner they will feel like you don't trust them and you are trying to manipulate them.

OK, Now the DO's:
1. DO make a specific time where you can talk undistracted. If you have children preferably after they have gone to bed / or are out of the house. If not then a quiet dinner at home or something. Don't try and do this in a public environment like a restaurant, both of you are likely to be fairly emotional and you need a chance to let out these emotions uninhibited by social niceties.
2. DO be prepared to answer your partners questions as fairly and truthfully as possible. Your partner is likely to ask many questions but almost universally EVERY partner asks the following three questions: A) Are you Gay? B) Do you still love me? and C) Do you want to be a woman? Answer them as truthfully as you possibly can. Have a good long hard think about those questions because it is crucial you answer them truthfully to the best of your knowledge. Work out are you physically attracted to men / do you wish to have experience sexual intimacy with another man. You don't have to "go on a date" with a man to work to if you are physically attracted to men, just have a think about whether any of your male friends are physically attractive to YOU, i.e. you would want to kiss them. Think very long and very carefully about whether you still love your partner. In a majority of cases I suspect the answer is yes as otherwise why would you go through the angst of telling them this but don't confuse some social obligation to "maintain your marriage" or "I'm doing it for the children" with genuine love and affection for your partner. They deserve to know if you still truly love them or if they are some sort of social accessory. Finally TRY and work out what your gender feelings mean. THIS can be insanely hard. Denial and wanting to be accepted are VERY strong emotions. Some people are extremely clear, they like their dress ups but thats it, once a week it's away in the cupboard back to "guy" mode. When I first told my wife in 2011 I genuinely felt that I did NOT want to live as a woman. I was happy with my life, I was a happy guy. And that is what I told her. Around 12 months ago it was my wife who said to me that whilst I was happy as a guy, I was happier when I was a woman. And she was right. So we talked long and hard. and we decided that whilst we were happy with me as a guy, we were happier with me being who I really am, so we have started transitioning. No easy task but what I am trying to say here is think long and hard about that question. It is a tough one. People have also made the mistake of thinking they want to transition and finding out that no, that is not going to make them happy. If you don't know then tell your partner, tell them that you are happy with your life, that you don't think you want to live as a woman (because believe me, IT IS HARD) but that if anything changes you will tell her straight away.

Thats enough I think. Telling your partner you are CD / TG / TS will without doubt be one of the hardest things you will ever do emotionally, anyone who thinks that we are doing this for a bit of fun is out of their mind. BUT it can also be one of the most intensely vulnerable and bonding things that will ever happen in a relationship and from my point of view, the benefits outweigh the possible disadvantages.

Best wishes
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Re: How to (hopefully successfully) tell your partner you are CD / TG / TS

Postby Jennyw » September 24th, 2015, 6:58 pm

Thank you for that post,

I told my wife nearly fifteen years ago. My children last year. Luckily they have all accepted me. What I would say is it's taken a few years, a lot of understanding from my wife. When we were buying a wig recently I reminded her of the time she screamed when saw first wig and she burst into tears.

Couple of things, it's taken years for us to be in a position to talk to partners, that's years of denial, knowing, learning, hiding, accepting, they will need same time scale.

Also one point that Christine mentioned to me in conversation. "Desensitisation" I remember that I was happy to wear a skirt for an hour of so, now I feel unhappy if I haven't done a full "Jenny" for a week, by that I mean full make up etc. now I'm going to seahorses meeting and social events I want to go out more as Jenny. If you had asked me that five years ago I would have said i don't want to go out as Jenny, and meant it. So hard to truly know what the future holds.
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Re: How to (hopefully successfully) tell your partner you are CD / TG / TS

Postby Kate » September 24th, 2015, 11:00 pm

Wow, 15 years ago. You beat me to the post by over 10 years there Jenny!

We gradually introduced our kids to stuff. A girls t shirt here, a skirt there etc. Funnily early on I would do the whole get up at home occasionally and clean the house in a skirt and blouse with forms etc. but after a short while it sort of became whatever and half the time it would be mix and match.

My wife hated the wig as well. I think most partners that I know really don't like the wigs, they are just too much of a change and they struggle to find the person they recognise there. Early on it makes a huge difference to your possibility in public but paradoxically I have found it more and more "fake" as I start to transition to be who I really am so lately I haven't really used it much.
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Re: How to (hopefully successfully) tell your partner you are CD / TG / TS

Postby Christine Parker » September 24th, 2015, 11:26 pm

25 years ago, in my case.

Unlike my earlier relationships, I told her early in the piece.
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Dana
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Re: How to (hopefully successfully) tell your partner you are CD / TG / TS

Postby Dana » November 3rd, 2015, 8:57 pm

I'm another one who told my wife about 25 years ago. The first night was very dramatic and it took a while for things to settle down, but it then took close on 20 years before my wife first saw me dressed. She still has a few issues, but overall is now quite happy to spend time with Dana - she certainly enjoys the shopping trips and the Ball.

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Re: How to (hopefully successfully) tell your partner you are CD / TG / TS

Postby Christine Parker » November 3rd, 2015, 10:21 pm

Dana wrote: She still has a few issues, but overall is now quite happy to spend time with Dana - she certainly enjoys the shopping trips and the Ball.
She always seems pretty relaxed when I have meet her, but that was at the Ball or shopping.... and on that short doco, too.
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